Riviera Club and others

So lately I've been trying to develop ideas surrounding myself starting my own clothing line which would progress into my own stores in the states.  I know, its a huge dream and I'm reaching, but I say that its better sto start someplace then not to start at all.  So this post is an outline of my visions and starting points.

It started a few months ago for me when I decided I wanted to major in business, and then decided that I dont want to work FOR someone, anyone else.  I want to be the boss with the big blackberry ordering people around.  I can get my AA's and AS's at the community college here and then work my way from there, that part is easy.  With CA's BOG in place allowing me to get free education because I'm pretty much poor, I'm in luck. 

The only thing about school is that from there I have to decide how I'm going to work school into my working life. I mean, I work at a bank every single day and some Saturdays from eight until six.  That basically cancels out any and all classes I want to take. But somehow I'm going to have to work it out, online classes, knocking out GE until work is flexible, something, so that I can get my eduaction.

Secondly I have a few ideas for the types of things I want to design.  Casual and professional menswear and androgynous-wear for women/men.  I think I can do it. I WANT to do it.  Now I just need to get it done. I'm looking at GAP, this new brand called Riviera Club out of Santa Barbara which is an hour away from where I live,  and I'm just thinking to myself, not only do I want to be that dapper, I think I can MAKE clothes that are that dapper, dammit.

Lately

And this is strange for me, but for the past week I have been thinking more about what would happen if i was a transman.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a girl, and supposed to be a girl.... Wait do I? The more I think about it the more unsure I am, and thoughts of disappointing my family and alienating my friends are swirling around in my head with thoughts of how liberating and how terrifying it would be to be male.

I guess if it comes to be as terrifying then its not something I should consider, and when i look at my reasons for why I would become a man, the top two are weight loss and clothing options, which are outrageously superficial.

Also, I don't want to BE a man. I found myself in an intense argument with an idiot earlier this week who insisted that butches just want to be men, and even took it so far as to say that femmes date butches becaus they really just want to date men. That really pissed me off.

I for all intents and purposes am a butch, dyke if you will. I don't want to BE a man. I just think I look best in ties and collared shirts.

I guess I'm frustrated that these shirts I bought are too wide at shoulders and too narrow at hip. I wish I was skiny.
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It

Annoys me when people asume that because girls like other girls who are dykes, aka they look like men, that they secretly like men. No, dykes are not men! Dammit.
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Today For Work

Today for work I am dressed as a femme, which I'm okay with, because I think somehow I still come off butch. Like when Bette wore skirts.

I'm wearing one, it reminds me how much I hate them, and thank god women don't have to wear stockings anymore or risk being called a skank. I wanted to butch it up today, suit and all, but I eraluxe more and more how much that alienates people, and for my sake, so when I have to partener up with some idiotic bigots, I won't get picked last.

Still though I took the things I Love best about my suit and tie ensemble and added them to my own. Tucked in shirt, navy blue tie, and i was about two minutes more of contemplation away from deciding to wear my boots.

Honestly with my hair short as it is, tie tied perfectly as it is, and the way I talk which has been described on more then one occasion as gay, I can't imagine anyone thinking I'm straight. But then again people are surprisingly fulll when it comes to this, so I'm sure at least one girl will look at my ring and ask me what my husband does for a living.

Truth? Sometimes I lie, sometimes I don't bother to correct them, and not because I'm ashamed or scared of what they may think, but because its not worth it. They aren't worth the sidelong glances, or me watching them that yes I saw them unbutton their shirts in the bathroom to fix their bras.

I know I'm not offering anything fresh to the usual rants of lesbians everywhere, but even though I'm not the first to say this, it still rings true, for me at least.

Maybe we should take a step back from our self obsession with sexuality. I mean maybe its not even a thought that straight women think when they see us. Maybe they truly are indifferent, which it seems we have somehow made worse then the other two options.

But it is frustrating, I do catch myself wishing lesbian was written under my name on my place setting, I wish my regional manager would stop trying to decide whether to flirt or copete with me, I wish the girl I sit beside would just take me at face value and not read into my jokes.

But who knows, maybe she will be gay too? Isn't that what we secretly all want, or maybe not so secretly.

That brings me to something else, does anyone else attract straight women like the plague? I Feel like some predator, like these women see me and can't figure out just what it is they like about me, so they keep on talking to me, flirting with me, and while I think they are gay they shatter my perception, expecting me to relate to that story about their husbands or boyfriends.

So goes the world, at least mine.

Chech out Gold Panda's newest album, let me know what you think. It grew on me.

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Harder To Decide

I worked all day in a town about thirty minuets from my new job.  Recently I was transferred to work at a branch in my home town, and now I find myself back where I started.  Overall the day was prosperous, I opened six accounts which equals out to something like five hundred bucks. Which is great!

Anyways in my down time today I was reading through a whole bunch of blogs that I liked and bookmarked, and the blogs that draw me are the ones about transgendered FTM people and their stories, and femmes talking about their identity, and just stuff  about people figuring out or musing who they are.  A few things struck me as singular.

1.  No one is really the same.  Does that make since? I mean no one can really be classified.  Sure there are stereotypes, but its crazy how few people actually fit them perfectly. 
2. I am not and have never been or will ever be a femme. For a while I tricked myself into thinking that I wanted to be, that it was something I needed to be, that I needed to somehow beat the stereotype that lesbians=butches and be a femme, and still be gay.  But I've since given that up. I can be whatever the fuck I want to be, and for me that's a boots and skinny jeans-leather-jacket-thermal-shirt-short-hair-big-glasses-wearing-lesbian-coming-out-as-a-genderqueer "girl", and that's okay. 
3. Queers, all of us, are hot.  I have this burning love of queers, all shapes and sizes.
4. Just because I've imagined what it would be like to become an FTM doesn't mean I'm any less butch or lesbian or genderqueer or whatever.  Its a thought that I entertain often, I do with sometimes I had facial hair and a huge rod. But then I dont, and I get all disgusted by the thought and I go back and forth in a spiral and it sucks.  But that's because I think A LOT, and that's something I'm usually prepared for.

Anyways, even though no one reads this blog, I'd love to know your thoughts.  How comfortable are you not fitting into a stereotype, just being?

It took me a long time, but I'm comfortable just being, and it's something I'm rather proud of.

Boots

Lately I've been obsessed with boots. And since we're in the Spirit of Christmas, I've been just searching through amazon, urban outfitters and forever 21 for boots I like.  Here in California, it really doesn't rain and we really dont get a winter.  So the idea of boots is kind of extravagant considering we probably can wear flip flops 340 out of 365 days a year.

But here is what I have, so far.

TuffRider Synthetic Lace Up Ladies Paddock Boots   (26.96-29.99$)

via Amazon.com. 
For starters, there's a review on the site of someone who actually uses them for riding, which I think is great.  If they aren't functional then Im going to feel like a punk.  In any case, these are hot hot hot, they even have a little stirrup holder (or something). 

Secondlyyy...

ZiGiny Women's Onsite Ankle Boot (39.99-69.95$)

also via Amazon.com

I like these, too, cause they come in different colors (1) and cause they have a black that's actually canvas, not some type of leather (2).


Thirdmost...

Workman Boots (28.80$)

via Forever 21

Okay, I think its the color here that's drawing me to them.  I love them. The whole refined workman thing is nice, too, even for a dyke like me. 

Fifthness...

Woven Oxfor Boot (29.80$)

also via Forever 21

And also from Forever 21, I can picture myself wearing these to work, almost.  They might be a little pretentious but, I can risk it, I think.  These aren't my first pick, I dont like the heart shape on the toe and I'm not sure how they'd look on me but I still think they're pretty nifty.

Sixth...and not boots.

I want this. I shamelessly want this random music maker, simply because.  Because...I JUST DO.

I Want

I want a girl who treats me like the wife treated the husband in Flubber. Know that although I am a genius, I also screw up everything else. Know that and love me still.

I want a girl who doesn't care when my crack or man underwear shows, and doesn't tell me to pull up my pants. I want a girl who thinks my sagging is cute, or endearing.

I want a girl who wants to share a curly headed child with me when the time is right.

I want a girl who will be as much of an anchor for me when I get lost in the sea of creativity as I will be for her in whatever sea she gets lost in. I want a girl who will hold my hand and float away with me through the thick forests of music, and art, and love.

I want a girl who's not afriad to look silly or try something a little insane. Take a bath with me after work, paint the house lime green, go vegan and eat tofu, go on a vacation and write for three days straight.

I want a girl who is there when I need her and not there when I don't, but not in a bad way. I want a girl who is equally as independant as needy, equally as brave and she is frightened.

I want a girl I adore, a girl who adores me. A girl who when I tell her she is beautiful, looks in the mirror and believes it, and then turns me to the mirror and tells me the same.

I want a girl who thinks that the night is beautiful, who smells the rain before it comes and sees shooting stars behind the clouds. I want a girl with the imagination of dreams, who wakes up in the middle of the night wide awake and inspired, like me.

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Work Again.

On my way to work yesterday I pretty much had an asthma attack.
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